Feels like ages it's been since I last logged in here. LIfe's journey indeed is filled with such unknown bends in the road that swerving and maneuvering into the smooth track takes time. Since the end of 2013, life has taken me by sudden grip of surprises that I never thought I would survive the tussle but here I'm today, feeling anew and better indeed.
Having to suddenly change the ritualistic life that you lead for almost ten years can be a nerve-jerker ( and ofcourse tear-jerker) moments. Since day one of 2014 I've been knocking on various doors, pleading them to help me retain my sanity by bestowing me the opportunity of not having to choose between my career and my family. People who have known me already knew what option I would grab but they also knew with what intensity I've been passionate about my job. Teaching has never been a bread earning option for me. I've always taken pride in being in love with my career option and today looking back i take double pride in knowing that I've lived nine and a half years of my teaching years learning more than what i had been teaching. I learnt love that transcends the boundary of one's home. I learnt about patience that comes knocking even when you are seething in anger. I learnt the beauty of life in the innocence of little kids.
There were moments in these five months time period, I cursed my fate, sobbing in the dark dismal nights. I thought ill of the officials who denied me my transfer thereby leaving with me with no options but to choose to voluntarily resign from the job that meant more than religion to me. "We are pleased to accept the voluntary resignation...." I read and re-read this line in the acceptance letter from the Ministry and wished they could hear my sighs and realize that while they were pleased to let me go, my 'voluntary resignation' was actually forced by their inconsiderate declaration.
For the first time in my life, I realized that nights were better to hide the anguish of such pains for sleep would supersede the anguish. But day times were more brutal! Whole day, sitting in the house, performing the chores like a zombie, I would think of my teacher friends in their classroom. Suddenly while sweeping the floor, I would rush to bring in the mob for the floor would be sprinkled with my tears.
But today, the tap of tears have run dry. I don't cry over what I chose to let go. I knew it was the toughest decision of my life but I've chosen the right option. I shudder to imagine had i chosen the other option what misery I would be under right now. Come to think of it, had i chosen my career I would have left my daughters and gone away just with my son and a babysitter. In that new place, instead of playing the teacher's role that I always thought I was good at, I would have been wondering and aching for my daughters. Heaven forbid! If one of them had fallen sick in my absence, it would have killed me. So that way I would not have made any contribution to my workplace.
Today, taking pictures of my little son who just turned one I feel I'm living every nuances of his tiny world. I love the fact that my daughters get to cuddle me when they need to and they are still eating the meals that I cook for them. I take delight in the fact that every moment they need me; I'm nearby, holding them, loving them and ensuring they are well taken care of.
This has nothing to do with the religion that I follow but I do believe that every child we women get to mother comes to us not a result of some animalistic natural craving but these tiny lives walking hand in hand with Angels in the kingdom of heaven are given the freedom to choose the womb they want to nestle in. And with their chubby tiny fingers and pink pout, they tell Almighty the God to send them to the ONE they turn towards. I'm super blessed because three little cherubs chose my fat womb to carry them. and in gratification for this opportunity of motherhood they have bestowed on me, I choose to play a mother and let go of my career.
And an inexplicable joy surrounds me like a halo of enlightenment. I'm jobless! But, I'm not workless! I work for my children and I'm happy. So, I no longer curse my previous employer nor do I cry for want of money. I'm contended in this small world I've set myself in. My children have me, I've them and we are happy!
