Keeping trouble away.

I live deep in the caves of guilt and craving. I know I am just like any normal homo sapien and craving for things is one of the things God created me for, but this fallacy leads me to the ever lasting guilt of wanting what I can never attain. My cravings and my guilt at constant tug of war, it has made a huge mess of my life making me wish for a safe way out-death!
But today, my nerves just plainly going bonkers, I told myself to take a backseat in this journey of life and reflect clearly on why I feel the way I do. Voila! after many arguments with my heart I came to understand that God had cheated while creating my heart. He had created it with defunct materials that were purely meant to be discarded. So you see, my heart functions in an abnormal way, wanting something when it has to shown the door and throwing something out when it is to be accepted. God! I hate my heart now that I realize  its function well.
So, I cornered my senile heart with deadly vengence in my mind. I flew into rage and asked it why it never functioned the way it should have. I broke down before it could explain and make me understand its malfunctioning world. I stopped abruptly. Hell! What was I doing? Then I knew the answer. I had snuggled deep with self-pity that I forgot that there is a world beyond wanting to make everything spic n span in one's life.
Ah! so that's the culprit! I waded deep in the whirlpool of self acclaimed tearful situations making me wish for some heart to replace mine to take care of my ailing world. No! I retorted, I am not fighting anymore with my life. I've decided not to allow this  feeling to overshadow my real world. All troubles at bay!

When you are gone………………

The sun shines with usual brightness

Spreading its warmth in every cold nook,

Yet it warms not my heart

When you are gone.

The calm river flows in serenely

Wind plays its game, creates beautiful ripples

But its beauty fails to appeal my eyes

When you are gone.

The passing wind sings songs of mirth

Whilst the leaves dance to its rhythm

Still the music soothes not my ears

When you are gone.

The things of beauty, those of joys

Makes me fonder naught;

Everything is embedded in strange emptiness

When you are gone.

COLD FEELINGS

Love, thy love has frozen

The cold world and thy cold feelings

Freezes my feelings too-

My heart wails in deep agony

Death eludes me yet!

Melancholy shall strike harder

Totally over my heart, dead

People will call me a corpse,

A loser! That’s what I am

My love failed to conquer thy heart

Perhaps somebody else dwells there;

Losing isn’t my weakness,

It’s my fate, and nothing I can do against it.

Smile and tears

My smile and tears are in perpetual limbo,each trying to prove it's own worth. Smile says,"I am mightier of us two because if I am absent life ceases altogether."   Tears fell hysterically from the pedestal where it stood in drops, each drop mocking the smile. After much drops later, smile was drowned in the cold embrace of tears. Smile struggled to remain afloat on the puddle of teardrops. Tears went on shedding itself to prove its might.                          One day tears found that try as hard as it could,it couldn't shed itself anymore.  There was bright sunshine, the pool of tears evaporated into thin air. Smile emerged out neat and clean. It had been a mighty task for the smile to survive in that pool but eventually tears became thin invisible vapor while smile outshone itself on the face of the glorious sun. The mighty sun, lord of the sky told the smile,"you were too weak but you didn't give up your struggle for existence, now who is the mightier? You or the tears who has now no place on this earth?".               Smile smiled it brightest grin and walked into the heart where tears had dripped it's icy feelings,making it lifeless. Tears had lost the battle and in it's throne sat smile on it's best Attire.                     If ever tears cloud your heart,don't fret, a day will come when smile will take position forcing tears to abdicate the throne in your heart .

Change!

Being all alone in this strange land has changed me and the way I function. Being born and raised in a family where we had my dad's younger siblings hovering like bees all over, we were one BIG noisy family but a beautiful family all the same. I never knew what it feels like to live in a silent atmosphere and never learned what it would be like to sleep all alone.
But after reaching this most noisy and populated place, for the first time in my life, my life is teaching me lessons of loneliness and silence. I've nobody to talk to for I live all alone ( with the exceptions of people I skype with from back home,lol). But other than that I've literally nobody to talk to, nobody to share my feelings for the day, my fears, my likes, my dislikes.
Life has become a ritual now. Getting up in the morning to catch up the train so as not to miss reaching the place I've to be in time. One thing my profession back home has taught me is punctuality, I dread being late! With the train rumbling and  noise of people scurrying in and out, I feel a deep silence inside me. They are a huge crowd, but not somebody who I can talk to and fill in the silence. I eye the couples holding hands, lost in the beautiful world of love and I miss the person I love too; I see tiny toddlers being moved around in their strollers and I miss my own li'l darlings whom I've left behind at home. Arrgh! I begin to hate myself but I control my ill feelings, that's not how one starts one's day.
But of late, I find myself in perfect sync with this ritualistic life. A meek gecko like me who never budged an inch with a companion has now learnt to commute daily all alone in this strange place. I laugh at my fears back in my own homeland, there I should have known no fears but in this strange land of dangerous crimes happening everyday, I walk feeling completely safe.This is the first change I've noticed in me.
Sleeping alone was never an option I had, nor ever wished for. Maybe it was the fact that I had lots of people back home to share my room with, the monsters from my monster's world could never sneak up on me but their thoughts would make me shudder. Now, here I'm sleeping all alone with all those monsters castaway far from my world.
These are two things I noticed as BIG changes in me, I won't go for the minute details of small changes. But today as I sat reflecting on the changes life has made in me I began to wonder, when I turn my steps back home-will I see changes there too? Having spent much of my time talking about Giver and Jonas, I started to wonder... would Jonas have reached that elsewhere and done something dramatic? Would the old Giver have  his youth back?Would Gabe grown up big and healthy? Why am I talking textbook when I can talk about my own home and family but those are obvious, I mean I know for sure my elder daughter would speak to me in full English sentences; I know her world would have expanded beyond the ABCs I left her with. I know for sure that My younger daughter would talk to me and call me 'Mama!' on my face ( wow! can't wait for that moment!).
There are many changes I've to undergo and many changes I've yet to witness as I turn my step back home, but before all that I really wish I could take that journey back home sooooooooooooooooon!

How???????????

How do I walk back

To set wrong things right?

To undo things I’ve done to you

To un-break my broken heart

To put back in my heart

The love I gave to you,

To un-say the words

I said to you,

To figure out why I chose you

To have my heart,

To clean all the pages of love notes

Your heart gave me never meaning it,

How, please tell me how?