Divorce

I logged into facebook, the only bridge that closes the deep gorge of lonely life I'm leading currently. No friends were online, actually many of my friends don't appear online these days, I blame it on the time difference and never let the ugly thought that they have forgotten me creep in me. When I've no one to chat with I browse through all kinds of psychics and here is what Anita had to say,"Darling, the experiences you've had in life can help to inspire others who need your help. It'll be in the way you express your words to get through to them. You'll create good changes."I stopped, cancelled the page, again clicked on it and re-read the page and was left wondering what experience do I talk about to inspire others. What could a bitter lonely soul teach others? Hey, then I realized, 'I wasn't bitter like this all the time.'
My childhood days were the best days of my life, I'm sure everybody would say,'what's the big deal, everybody's childhood days are the best.' But my weeping heart knows the transformation my life has taken and the different soul that took birth in my living soul, replacing the smart bubbly girl to a repulsive pessimist grown up.
The words of my neighbors still echoes deep in the recesses of my memory world,"This girl will do well in life." I knew it just like my neighbors knew that I was born to achieve the zenith of success with ease. I loved the powerful adoration in my dad's eyes when he showed my progress report to anybody who visited our place. Which parent wouldn't feel proud f a daughter who brought the letter 'I' written in bold letter in the space where position is to be filled for all three terms( back in those days we used to have first term, second term and finals). 
Not only was my academic performance excellent I had my dad's sense of humor too. I liked narrating 'humjaiga' stories and had my friends sitting in circles with there funny bones all ticklish with the jokes I told them. 
On losar and other occasions, I would be the first one to stand and dance to entertain people. I remember earning a huge sum of money from my relatives and neighbors during losars. 
But real life is no fairytale and my fairytale life ended with the bond between my dad and mom. They seperated and all my above mentioned traits vanished. It was like a boon granted to me so long as my parents lived together.
My academic performance dwindled. Studies didn't interest me anymore. 'Humjaiga' tales were buried so deep that even if I wanted to I would have been able to retrieve it. Dances became few and songs stopped touching my soul.
My parents unaware of the fact that a soul was drowning in the pool of their divorce were entangled in re-building their own lives. As they got immersed in their new lives, they lost the daughter they had in me. Craving for their attention, unknowingly seeking for love that my parents could never shower on me, I realized I had become like a hungry ghoul searching for love and drowning deeper into the cocoon of negativity whenever I failed to get one.
Today, I view anybody who talks of love with repulsion. I think they are another BIG LIAR waiting to pounce on some innocent souls. I've become a bitter and the biggest pessimist. Divorce killed the good human that I would have grown into.
But I know better than to blame my parents. Now that I am a parent myself I understand the decisions they have taken in life in a new way but that doesn't bring back to life what they killed in me long time ago.
So, with this story I don't want people to sympathize my ugly life but I want each of us to think of the souls we would be killing in pursuit of our selfish happiness. Many a times I wonder about MARRIAGE and DIVORCE. One day we feel that if the person who has captured our heart does not become a part of us, we would never be complete and how after few years of togetherness that same person seems like the cancer growing in our body. Why does marriage block the faucet of love from flowing? If we have dared to marry this person why can't we choose to commit ourselves to this person come what may? Whatever! Maybe, I can think of the ordeal of marriage and remaining married for some other time to ponder upon.

Being a mom!

I was tall for my age( I wonder where I lost that height now!sigh!); so that made me a boss among my peers. Whenever my friends came over to play at my place I used to take them to the attic ( I still miss that attic!), the only place my obssessed with cleanliness mom allowed us to play.
After ascending on the shaky wooden ladder, immediately I would announce in my bossy tone, " I want to be the mother!" acompanied by a look that said, anybody who doesn't like that idea can go out from here.
Back then, being the mom meant being the boss of the game. I would pick up my small handbag, made with paper, throw it stylishly over my little finger and order, " I'm going for shopping, you kids be here."
Kids will always be kids, some of my friends would get bored and look at with imploring glances which spelt 'can we take turns being mom?'. "Good children do what their mother says", I would begin my black mail session and make my friends help me with the chores my adult mom actually had me to do. I'm filled with guilt now when I look back. But then, my friends would scurry around and finish up whatever task was assigned to them. When the whole task was done, I would pretend to get back from my shopping spree and generously share the chocolates I always had in my school bag. The lavish throw of dairymilk always helped to cleanse whatever venom my friends might have gathered for me in their tiny hearts.
Now I am a real mom and I've realized real moms are never the boss. They are just boss for namesake. I never get to use that commanding tone I used on my friends long time ago in that dingy attic of my parents' house. In fact, even to feed them meals I've to coo and coax them to fill their bellies. If I cook veggies, " NO! I don't like this." "OK, what do you want? momo?" and the wide smile would confirm that's what's on menu. Scampering around the house, cleaning after them, cooking for them, taking care of their every needs, the chores are like never ending spiral staircase.
The day ends with the kids finally tugged in their bed. There is no mom spreading lavish amount of dairymilk for job well done. Yet! the happiness I derive now is far more real than the smiles of gratitude on my friends' face I know.

Dear Mom, Happy Mother's day!

Dear Mom,
Happy mom's day. You won't believe it but today I fully know what you are worth.You were right when you said I'll have to become a mother to understand the love of a mother.Being a mother of two kids has taught me that there is nothing like a mother and her love in this vast expanse of the world.
I know I've been an impossible kid to you. Forgive me for running away from the chores at home to wallow in the dusty lanes of the neighborhood. I used to detest you for making me do the household chores. I thought it was JUST a mother's duty to do the cooking and washing and sighed with pain when you made me do all that at the tender age of ten. But today when I look at the satisfied smile on my new family's face after I cook them a meal, I silently thank you for making me learn that so early in life.
Just when I entered my teenage, I was left to go to a boarding school, and I held my finger pointed towards you. But only now does my heart understand that those four years in boarding school has given me the new wings of independence. Today, walking all alone in the streets of one of the biggest city in the world, I want to shower you with the best of my smile and say, "look at me mom, I can handle life on my own."
Watching you swish around the house making it home for us despite the hard life, I used to think my dad is full of life while all you do is shed tears and lament about the negative side of life. Today as I stand of the pedestal of marriage and the struggles of keeping it alive, I know where my patience comes from, it's you I've learnt from dear mother.
You have made me who I am and you know what I'm proud to be aged and wrinkled; just few days ago somebody told me that I'm beginning to look like you. I can never forget dad taunting me about my looks, maybe in his eyes you were the most beautiful lady in the world but it used to feel bad when he used to tell me that I don't have an iota of beauty like you. But as I'm aging, people( even dad) feels I'm beginning to look like you, and that's the biggest compliment I can ever hope to receive.
Mom, I try to be you in every step as a wife and mother and above all the WOMAN you are. Thank you for shoveling the path for me to take in life, it makes life easier to live.
Happy mothers day to you!