Feels like ages it's been since I last logged in here. LIfe's journey indeed is filled with such unknown bends in the road that swerving and maneuvering into the smooth track takes time. Since the end of 2013, life has taken me by sudden grip of surprises that I never thought I would survive the tussle but here I'm today, feeling anew and better indeed.
Having to suddenly change the ritualistic life that you lead for almost ten years can be a nerve-jerker ( and ofcourse tear-jerker) moments. Since day one of 2014 I've been knocking on various doors, pleading them to help me retain my sanity by bestowing me the opportunity of not having to choose between my career and my family. People who have known me already knew what option I would grab but they also knew with what intensity I've been passionate about my job. Teaching has never been a bread earning option for me. I've always taken pride in being in love with my career option and today looking back i take double pride in knowing that I've lived nine and a half years of my teaching years learning more than what i had been teaching. I learnt love that transcends the boundary of one's home. I learnt about patience that comes knocking even when you are seething in anger. I learnt the beauty of life in the innocence of little kids.
There were moments in these five months time period, I cursed my fate, sobbing in the dark dismal nights. I thought ill of the officials who denied me my transfer thereby leaving with me with no options but to choose to voluntarily resign from the job that meant more than religion to me. "We are pleased to accept the voluntary resignation...." I read and re-read this line in the acceptance letter from the Ministry and wished they could hear my sighs and realize that while they were pleased to let me go, my 'voluntary resignation' was actually forced by their inconsiderate declaration.
For the first time in my life, I realized that nights were better to hide the anguish of such pains for sleep would supersede the anguish. But day times were more brutal! Whole day, sitting in the house, performing the chores like a zombie, I would think of my teacher friends in their classroom. Suddenly while sweeping the floor, I would rush to bring in the mob for the floor would be sprinkled with my tears.
But today, the tap of tears have run dry. I don't cry over what I chose to let go. I knew it was the toughest decision of my life but I've chosen the right option. I shudder to imagine had i chosen the other option what misery I would be under right now. Come to think of it, had i chosen my career I would have left my daughters and gone away just with my son and a babysitter. In that new place, instead of playing the teacher's role that I always thought I was good at, I would have been wondering and aching for my daughters. Heaven forbid! If one of them had fallen sick in my absence, it would have killed me. So that way I would not have made any contribution to my workplace.
Today, taking pictures of my little son who just turned one I feel I'm living every nuances of his tiny world. I love the fact that my daughters get to cuddle me when they need to and they are still eating the meals that I cook for them. I take delight in the fact that every moment they need me; I'm nearby, holding them, loving them and ensuring they are well taken care of.
This has nothing to do with the religion that I follow but I do believe that every child we women get to mother comes to us not a result of some animalistic natural craving but these tiny lives walking hand in hand with Angels in the kingdom of heaven are given the freedom to choose the womb they want to nestle in. And with their chubby tiny fingers and pink pout, they tell Almighty the God to send them to the ONE they turn towards. I'm super blessed because three little cherubs chose my fat womb to carry them. and in gratification for this opportunity of motherhood they have bestowed on me, I choose to play a mother and let go of my career.
And an inexplicable joy surrounds me like a halo of enlightenment. I'm jobless! But, I'm not workless! I work for my children and I'm happy. So, I no longer curse my previous employer nor do I cry for want of money. I'm contended in this small world I've set myself in. My children have me, I've them and we are happy!
write
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
Friday, December 13, 2013
Farewell
Today was a nostalgic moment for the Wangdicholing LSS family.For the first time, the school organized a farewell gathering for its outgoing class eight students. Speeches and songs and dances were showcased (nothing unusual!).
One advice given to the students by our Principal had all of us laughing. He said," I want you all to prove that you all are potatoes and not eggs!" Wondering what's with this egg and potato? Well, according to him students should be like potatoes, no matter how hard initially, as they go up, climbing the ladder of Education, just like the potato getting soft and mushy the more we cook them, students should become more soft- meaning more humane and disciplined. Unlike the egg, which is soft initially but as we cook them, it becomes hard. Much as silly as it sounds, there is a lot of wisdom in it. So, don't forget to be a potato! :)
Sitting in the audience watching students perform on the stage took me back to my own days as a student. I always grabbed the chance to get on the stage whenever I could. As the students moved their bodies in rhythm I felt my heart grooving to the melody from the past. But wait! back in our times, most would shake their body to more of English and Bollywood numbers. Look at the songs played today, I'm proud to see our very own Dzongkha songs being performed and enjoyed by all.
Here is few pictures I captured today form the farewell performances:
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One advice given to the students by our Principal had all of us laughing. He said," I want you all to prove that you all are potatoes and not eggs!" Wondering what's with this egg and potato? Well, according to him students should be like potatoes, no matter how hard initially, as they go up, climbing the ladder of Education, just like the potato getting soft and mushy the more we cook them, students should become more soft- meaning more humane and disciplined. Unlike the egg, which is soft initially but as we cook them, it becomes hard. Much as silly as it sounds, there is a lot of wisdom in it. So, don't forget to be a potato! :)
Sitting in the audience watching students perform on the stage took me back to my own days as a student. I always grabbed the chance to get on the stage whenever I could. As the students moved their bodies in rhythm I felt my heart grooving to the melody from the past. But wait! back in our times, most would shake their body to more of English and Bollywood numbers. Look at the songs played today, I'm proud to see our very own Dzongkha songs being performed and enjoyed by all.
Here is few pictures I captured today form the farewell performances:
.JPG)
.JPG)
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Bursting out my own frustration!
Dear God,
I know as soon as you read the first few lines of this letter, you’ll say,”hey! This is not for my department,” but I know you are the only one who’ll go on listening to my story without discarding it in the waste bin like the others would do if I choose to write this letter to them.
There are times when I really question my existence as a woman. Do I really need to take eight more lives to complete the nine lives as a human to be born as a man so that I can walk and dream shoulder to shoulder with a man?
Till date I’ve played the perfect mother and perfect wife and I’m always playing the role of perfect daughter all the time. This is one reason why I never chose to go to upgrade my academic qualification cos the it would mean compromising with my role as a mother. It’s not that I never yearned for that. Having topped from my batch from NIE, the yearning for learning has always been there inside my heart, looming like an invisible dream inside me. But I kept on telling myself,” let your children grow up, then think for yourself!”
Recently upon persuasion from my family and friends, I took a chance in the interview for the post of Vice Principal. Working in school as a teacher, I’ve always given my cent percent dedication. It gave me immense pleasure to mother the hundreds of children apart from my own kids. And when I initially put up my application for the same, I started dreaming about the changes that I can bring with the added responsibility of a manager.
But my dream turned into fear when I heard from people who had participated in the same when they told me about the placement. As much as I care for my students and my school, I would first need my own family to keep me in that sanity to work in peace.
So I thought of withdrawing but I was told that I would be black listed that means I would earn bad reputation in my organization. And like I’ve already mentioned, one day, when my kids are grown up, I want to go and study. Study for my own academic growth; after that I would have no regrets of dying.
Not wanting to risk black listing, I went for the interview. People might call me fake but in earnest honesty I say this, I went to fail in the interview. Being in the interview was a rich experience in itself. I saw my mates carrying thick books which contained information of various policies, the whole organogram of the Ministry and many such details that the panel might ask. I rushed to my place for interview after feeding my kids just to reach in time for the same.
The much feared question was asked to me by one of the panelist. “If you’ve to go away from your family after being given this VP post, would you go?”
Straight from my heart, I told them I can’t go away from my family in a polite way. As soon as I came out, my friends asked me and I told them everything that had happened inside. Hearing my declaration to this query, everybody shook their head.
“why didn’t you say you’ll go? You can always change later!” they tsked tsked looking at me. But I walked happily back home to my family. Getting the post with a lie was not an option for me. I was happy for having avoided the blacklisting and even if I was not selected, that was not an issue with me.
But I was to prolong the stress filled days as I got selected. I scrolled through the list; out of the 33 selected candidates, there were only three ladies. We were informed that placement would be given as per the merit list. I stood in number 25th and once again there arose the question of black listing if I back out.
I respect the merit based placement and I applaud the ministry for ensuring fairness. But the question comes in my mind: can’t rules be bent sometimes to suit the need of the moment? Can’t the three women be given a choice first so that they don’t have to leave their family while pursuing their career? Can’t our Heads think of such strategy to ensure that women can also rise without having to compromise everytime? Don’t we talk about women empowerment?
I’m not saying that there should be certain numbers of seats reserved for women. That would be unfair. The interview has been conducted with same platform offered for all men and women. And 30 men have made it in comparison to only 3 women.
Atleast in placement, if choice had been given to these three women, would it have made any huge difference in the lives of the remaining 30 men. Would they have thought of giving up because they have to think of keeping their family together? I don’t think so!
Since the time our results were declared, I’ve been juggling between my own stand as a woman who has a career and a mother who might have to take her three kids to some wilderness away from their father and the beam of the mother always loomed heavier. I contemplated giving up the post so that I can be in the same place with my husband so that my kids will have both the parents together.
Just when the Ministry started calling up the selected candidates in the merit wise sequence, I too received a call. It was a man who was kept as a stand by. He had heard of my ordeal and he was checking whether I was really giving up or not. In my mind’s eye, I saw that man already eyeing my position.
Whole night I thought hard about it, tossing and turning, unable to get sleep. Today I received the call and the options were all faraway from the place where my husband is working currently. Blindly, I gave my choice of a school that was spread out as choices to me. The woman in me had awoken and she told me,” men will never lift your career and they will never stop at anything to get into power. You won this post fairly, why do you want to give up?”
I listened to that voice from my brain but now I’m sitting at home, my three little kids prancing around, I’m beginning to doubt my decision,” should I pull back my placement? Should I again compromise with my role as a wife and mother and give up this?”
Dear God, there is no such thing as women empowerment happening. Had it been there in reality, don’t you think the three minorities would have been given priority? If I choose to step down, don’t you think I’m pulling a woman down from climbing her career ladder? Is it fair then?
I don’t know God, I seriously don’t know.
I know as soon as you read the first few lines of this letter, you’ll say,”hey! This is not for my department,” but I know you are the only one who’ll go on listening to my story without discarding it in the waste bin like the others would do if I choose to write this letter to them.
There are times when I really question my existence as a woman. Do I really need to take eight more lives to complete the nine lives as a human to be born as a man so that I can walk and dream shoulder to shoulder with a man?
Till date I’ve played the perfect mother and perfect wife and I’m always playing the role of perfect daughter all the time. This is one reason why I never chose to go to upgrade my academic qualification cos the it would mean compromising with my role as a mother. It’s not that I never yearned for that. Having topped from my batch from NIE, the yearning for learning has always been there inside my heart, looming like an invisible dream inside me. But I kept on telling myself,” let your children grow up, then think for yourself!”
Recently upon persuasion from my family and friends, I took a chance in the interview for the post of Vice Principal. Working in school as a teacher, I’ve always given my cent percent dedication. It gave me immense pleasure to mother the hundreds of children apart from my own kids. And when I initially put up my application for the same, I started dreaming about the changes that I can bring with the added responsibility of a manager.
But my dream turned into fear when I heard from people who had participated in the same when they told me about the placement. As much as I care for my students and my school, I would first need my own family to keep me in that sanity to work in peace.
So I thought of withdrawing but I was told that I would be black listed that means I would earn bad reputation in my organization. And like I’ve already mentioned, one day, when my kids are grown up, I want to go and study. Study for my own academic growth; after that I would have no regrets of dying.
Not wanting to risk black listing, I went for the interview. People might call me fake but in earnest honesty I say this, I went to fail in the interview. Being in the interview was a rich experience in itself. I saw my mates carrying thick books which contained information of various policies, the whole organogram of the Ministry and many such details that the panel might ask. I rushed to my place for interview after feeding my kids just to reach in time for the same.
The much feared question was asked to me by one of the panelist. “If you’ve to go away from your family after being given this VP post, would you go?”
Straight from my heart, I told them I can’t go away from my family in a polite way. As soon as I came out, my friends asked me and I told them everything that had happened inside. Hearing my declaration to this query, everybody shook their head.
“why didn’t you say you’ll go? You can always change later!” they tsked tsked looking at me. But I walked happily back home to my family. Getting the post with a lie was not an option for me. I was happy for having avoided the blacklisting and even if I was not selected, that was not an issue with me.
But I was to prolong the stress filled days as I got selected. I scrolled through the list; out of the 33 selected candidates, there were only three ladies. We were informed that placement would be given as per the merit list. I stood in number 25th and once again there arose the question of black listing if I back out.
I respect the merit based placement and I applaud the ministry for ensuring fairness. But the question comes in my mind: can’t rules be bent sometimes to suit the need of the moment? Can’t the three women be given a choice first so that they don’t have to leave their family while pursuing their career? Can’t our Heads think of such strategy to ensure that women can also rise without having to compromise everytime? Don’t we talk about women empowerment?
I’m not saying that there should be certain numbers of seats reserved for women. That would be unfair. The interview has been conducted with same platform offered for all men and women. And 30 men have made it in comparison to only 3 women.
Atleast in placement, if choice had been given to these three women, would it have made any huge difference in the lives of the remaining 30 men. Would they have thought of giving up because they have to think of keeping their family together? I don’t think so!
Since the time our results were declared, I’ve been juggling between my own stand as a woman who has a career and a mother who might have to take her three kids to some wilderness away from their father and the beam of the mother always loomed heavier. I contemplated giving up the post so that I can be in the same place with my husband so that my kids will have both the parents together.
Just when the Ministry started calling up the selected candidates in the merit wise sequence, I too received a call. It was a man who was kept as a stand by. He had heard of my ordeal and he was checking whether I was really giving up or not. In my mind’s eye, I saw that man already eyeing my position.
Whole night I thought hard about it, tossing and turning, unable to get sleep. Today I received the call and the options were all faraway from the place where my husband is working currently. Blindly, I gave my choice of a school that was spread out as choices to me. The woman in me had awoken and she told me,” men will never lift your career and they will never stop at anything to get into power. You won this post fairly, why do you want to give up?”
I listened to that voice from my brain but now I’m sitting at home, my three little kids prancing around, I’m beginning to doubt my decision,” should I pull back my placement? Should I again compromise with my role as a wife and mother and give up this?”
Dear God, there is no such thing as women empowerment happening. Had it been there in reality, don’t you think the three minorities would have been given priority? If I choose to step down, don’t you think I’m pulling a woman down from climbing her career ladder? Is it fair then?
I don’t know God, I seriously don’t know.
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