Bursting out my own frustration!

Dear God,
I know as soon as you read the first few lines of this letter, you’ll say,”hey! This is not for my department,” but I know you are the only one who’ll go on listening to my story without discarding it in the waste bin like the others would do if I choose to write this letter to them.
There are times when I really question my existence as a woman. Do I really need to take eight more lives to complete the nine lives as a human to be born as a man so that I can walk and dream shoulder to shoulder with a man?
Till date I’ve played the perfect mother and perfect wife and I’m always playing the role of perfect daughter all the time. This is one reason why I never chose to go to upgrade my academic qualification cos the it would mean compromising with my role as a mother. It’s not that I never yearned for that. Having topped from my batch from NIE, the yearning for learning has always been there inside my heart, looming like an invisible dream inside me. But I kept on telling myself,” let your children grow up, then think for yourself!”
Recently upon persuasion from my family and friends, I took a chance in the interview for the post of Vice Principal. Working in school as a teacher, I’ve always given my cent percent dedication. It gave me immense pleasure to mother the hundreds of children apart from my own kids. And when I initially put up my application for the same, I started dreaming about the changes that I can bring with the added responsibility of a manager.
But my dream turned into fear when I heard from people who had participated in the same when they told me about the placement. As much as I care for my students and my school, I would first need my own family to keep me in that sanity to work in peace.
So I thought of withdrawing but I was told that I would be black listed that means I would earn bad reputation in my organization. And like I’ve already mentioned, one day, when my kids are grown up, I want to go and study. Study for my own academic growth; after that I would have no regrets of dying.
Not wanting to risk black listing, I went for the interview. People might call me fake but in earnest honesty I say this, I went to fail in the interview. Being in the interview was a rich experience in itself. I saw my mates carrying thick books which contained information of various policies, the whole organogram of the Ministry and many such details that the panel might ask. I rushed to my place for interview after feeding my kids just to reach in time for the same.
The much feared question was asked to me by one of the panelist. “If you’ve to go away from your family after being given this VP post, would you go?”
Straight from my heart, I told them I can’t go away from my family in a polite way. As soon as I came out, my friends asked me and I told them everything that had happened inside. Hearing my declaration to this query, everybody shook their head.
“why didn’t you say you’ll go? You can always change later!” they tsked tsked looking at me. But I walked happily back home to my family. Getting the post with a lie was not an option for me. I was happy for having avoided the blacklisting and even if I was not selected, that was not an issue with me.
But I was to prolong the stress filled days as I got selected. I scrolled through the list; out of the 33 selected candidates, there were only three ladies. We were informed that placement would be given as per the merit list. I stood in number 25th and once again there arose the question of black listing if I back out.
I respect the merit based placement and I applaud the ministry for ensuring fairness. But the question comes in my mind: can’t rules be bent sometimes to suit the need of the moment? Can’t the three women be given a choice first so that they don’t have to leave their family while pursuing their career? Can’t our Heads think of such strategy to ensure that women can also rise without having to compromise everytime? Don’t we talk about women empowerment?
I’m not saying that there should be certain numbers of seats reserved for women. That would be unfair. The interview has been conducted with same platform offered for all men and women. And 30 men have made it in comparison to only 3 women.
Atleast in placement, if choice had been given to these three women, would it have made any huge difference in the lives of the remaining 30 men. Would they have thought of giving up because they have to think of keeping their family together? I don’t think so!
Since the time our results were declared, I’ve been juggling between my own stand as a woman who has a career and a mother who might have to take her three kids to some wilderness away from their father and the beam of the mother always loomed heavier. I contemplated giving up the post so that I can be in the same place with my husband so that my kids will have both the parents together.
Just when the Ministry started calling up the selected candidates in the merit wise sequence, I too received a call. It was a man who was kept as a stand by. He had heard of my ordeal and he was checking whether I was really giving up or not. In my mind’s eye, I saw that man already eyeing my position.
Whole night I thought hard about it, tossing and turning, unable to get sleep. Today I received the call and the options were all faraway from the place where my husband is working currently. Blindly, I gave my choice of a school that was spread out as choices to me. The woman in me had awoken and she told me,” men will never lift your career and they will never stop at anything to get into power. You won this post fairly, why do you want to give up?”
I listened to that voice from my brain but now I’m sitting at home, my three little kids prancing around, I’m beginning to doubt my decision,” should I pull back my placement? Should I again compromise with my role as a wife and mother and give up this?”
Dear God, there is no such thing as women empowerment happening. Had it been there in reality, don’t you think the three minorities would have been given priority? If I choose to step down, don’t you think I’m pulling a woman down from climbing her career ladder? Is it fair then?
I don’t know God, I seriously don’t know.