Remembering my Ama

Two years! How do I count it? Do I use my fingers and toes to calculate it in terms of months and weeks? Or do I use calculator to calculate the exact number of hours since you left us in that pre-dawn darkness.

No, I don’t want to count the days that’s gone by. Nor do I want to remind myself of that unfaithful hour that robbed me off.

All the people I talk to, tell me, they understand my grief. But only my heart knows that no amount of understanding can actually wade deep into the gorge of my grief.

Some might say a prayer or perhaps offer butterlamp but no prayers will mend my broken soul nor any butter lamp dispel the darkness I’m in.

Many frightful dreams I shudder in, wallowing in whirlpool of remorse. If only I had kept my heart open. If only I had looked closely at your fragmented spirit rather than basking in your youthful radiant skin. If only I had seen through the fake wall of strength you had build around us.

Many ‘ifs’ remain. I can’t offer any ‘buts’ in return. Many questions remain. I don’t have any answers.

So I sit in solitude, scrolling down the contact numbers in my phone.Your number is still right on the top of the list. But I’ve stopped dialing your number now. I don’t like that computerized sound reminding me that you no longer exist in this world.
But what do this voice know? You have not ceased to exist. Never. You’ve evaporated into every cell of my soul. How can you not exist then?

I’ve those,” I miss you terribly ama” moments. I shed silent tears. But every time a drop trickles down, I remind myself of the strength with which you carried yourself around even when things were all wrong with you. Then I stop crying. I know you would never want me to be a weakling, for you never were one!

I fight a battle each new day. A battle with my spirit. And I think I am winning ama. Yes, indeed. I see myself stronger, way more confident and above all so sure of where I’m headed in life. And I know this is possible only because your soul has transgressed into my being.

Often times, I rebuke my weak heart and lo! I find your strong heart sitting next to it and that makes all the difference to my existence.

So you see ama, you are not gone. Then why am I counting the days and saying that today it will be two years since you left me? You’ve not left me, for you are very much alive in my soul.