The Choice

The cars are zooming by outside, I hear them. People are moving around, I hear them too. But more than these loud sounds,there is another sound far more louder than all these sounds put together. It is the sound of my heart thudding in my chest. NO! I've seen no ghost. Neither have I just come in from some heavy physical work. I'm just sitting in my room. Oh! yes! I can even hear the soft snores of my son sleeping beside me.

Why is my heart beating in this manner then?

Well, my heart knows that just as I'm sitting here, trying to gather the beats of my heart, my daughter must be in front of hundreds of her friends in the Assembly ground. She might be holding out a new silk Rachu and talking about it. Today it is her turn for the "Show and tell" during the morning Assembly time. In her school, unlike the other schools which have morning speeches, they have this 'show and tell' where the children bring an object to school and tell their friends about it.

I know had I not resigned, I would be another spectator, listening to her with tears streaming down my eyes. This has little to do with a mother's nervousness over her daughter's speech turn. I'm confident my daughter would give in her best!

What is making me feel that dripping feeling in my tummy is what she must be telling about that Rachu.

2012, a month before my ama left us, she called my daughter near her bedside. She was very weak and her hair had started falling out in clumps after the first round of chemo therapy. Her bony hands sliding into her black duffel bag, she fished out the silk Rachu. Handing it to my daughter, holding it firmly between their palms, which remained like that till she finished talking, my ama said," This is your Abhi's gift to you, Angie."

My Angie had just turned six a month ago but she always has been too mature for her age. She thanked her Abhi and came running to me. The first thing she had to ask me was,"Mama, is Abhi gonna die?"

I had tears in my eyes. I nodded first, trying to find words from the lump that had suddenly blocked my voicebox. Finally in a weak voice I told her," But I don't want her to."

Angie held me in her small arms which barely made a full round around my huge body and she told me,"Don't worry she won't die."

My ama expired a month later. Angie knew she had been wrong. But she didn't accept defeat. Calmly she told me, "Abhi is in heaven now mama, stop crying!" It was as if my little girl knew that she was gone to the better world than this earthly world of sorrows and griefs.

Yesterday, she came to me and said,"mama, can I have the gift my Abhi gave me." I just looked at her, stunned, why she was making this absurd request.

"I want to take it for my show and tell," she informed me. I stood dumb-founded. Just the other day I had given her the option to either take her IPod or the kindle which she uses every moment of her time at home. My daughter had once again proved her maturity with the choice she has made, leaving me spell-bound.

p.s I can almost hear her," this was a gift from my late abhi......."