A Big Fat me

I live my life in two extremes, in my work place I am either the most noticed or the most invisible woman. When I say most noticed, people might start getting wild ideas and might imagine me to be the most beautiful lady ever born on this planet earth, actually I am just the opposite of that- I am the ugliest in my office and not to forget, the fattest. In the world of anorexic looking ladies, I'm a huge mound of flesh moving around with energy required to cause an earthquake. As I enter the door, the peon looks at me with the look that says, here comes 'seismic energy', that's the name they have given me. Don't make a mistake of looking for me by the name given to me by some Rinpoche which my parents must have lovingly called me during my childhood days because in my office they don't know me by that name.
I try hard to remember my slim and fit days but try as I may; I never see the picture of a smiling sweet and tiny girl. As far as my memory world takes me I see myself as fat and grumpy human. But yes at night as I lay all alone, never having had a boyfriend in my twenty three years of life, I try to picture my earliest days as a human. And I see people making my parents proud by calling me a healthy baby, a matter of pride for my parents, for a healthy baby actually configures to a well-fed baby.
I have tried every possible means to shed those bulging extra flesh on my body, from slimming tea, slim fast pills, slim sauna belt, dieting, fasting( Starving myself for days) to buying a treadmill ( it is lying around in the corner of my bedroom because I'm scared if I step on it, it might fall apart given my size). But all these methods have failed to leave their mark on my ever lasting fats. All these methods don't help me in shedding my fats rather every method I try takes me closer to severe bouts of depression. I sulk over this fact for days and the more I do that I become bitterer each passing day of my life that I spend on this earth. My hatred for my body is slowing spreading its wings and now I find myself hating the slim girls who parade proudly in front of me, sashaying in fashionable clothes that seemed to be sewn for their body. As I pass past them, my co-workers pull in their breath and make their already slim bodies smaller so that I can pass across them without tossing them out of the way. If I visit their cubicles, they shout out for the biggest chair so that I can sit beside them without the worry of the chair giving way to my weight. It pinches me right to my soul.
Now coming to the invisible part, although by my size one cannot miss me from a kilometer's distance yet when it comes to get-togethers, birthday parties, or any rendezvous among my office people, I am never counted. I become invisible then. Through their hushed tones I understand that some kind of get-together party is being discussed but as soon as I draw near them, they talk about the office work as if office work is the sole reason of their existence.
Night after night, as I lay awake thinking of the next day, I hate my parents for making me the way I look. But the instance next, I feel guilty to the core for harnessing such thought about the two most wonderful people who gave me life and all the love that I needed in my life.